Before I left for India, I panicked. I called a long list of people, trying to find someone to help me calm my nerves. But it wasn’t working… I kept calling and calling and calling everyone, and they all were saying things along the lines of ‘you have no reason to be scared/nervous/panicked/terrified/whatever, everything is going to be fine.’ That didn’t help. For some reason, the knots were growing, not shrinking.
But then there was this one phone call. I got this friend on the phone and she didn’t say any of that. She said: “of course you are feeling these things. you are a human being. change terrifies us, but we crave it. it is scary as hell, but we do it anyway.”
Okay, so maybe those were not her EXACT words, but most of them are pretty accurate, I think. The point is, she said that to me…and I felt infinitely better. Suddenly the knots loosened up and I was breathing a little easier. I had those moments of fear again — the semester wasn’t easy. But it was the most rewarding, clarifying, enriching experience of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and I am already feeling mixed emotions of excitement and terror at the prospect of the next big changes in my life…but I know that’s alright.
I didn’t find myself in India — I wasn’t lost. But I do think I see myself a little clearer now. And I do feel happier and more content on the other side of my experience there. Now I fully believe in the power of travel to shake us up enough to make us reevaluate ourselves and readjust our vision. I don’t know if there is anything more valuable than that…and I don’t necessarily think you have to travel to India to do it. You just have to embrace that kind of fear as a positive sign that you are forcing yourself to experience a significant change in your life.
Change is scary as hell. But we do it anyway.
And thank god (or the force, or whatever) for that.
What gives value to travel is fear. It is the fact that, at a certain moment, when we are so far from our own country…we are seized by a vague fear, and the instinctive desire to go back to the protection of old habits. This is the most obvious benefit of travel. At that moment we are feverish but also porous, so that the slightest touch makes us quiver to the depths of our being…this is why we should not say that we travel for pleasure. There is no pleasure in traveling, and I look upon it as on occasion for spiritual testing […] Travel, which is like a greater and graver science, brings us back to ourselves.”
— Albert Camus, 1963
My academic semester in India is over.
How did that happen? I am staying in India for another nine days with my boyfriend. How did THAT happen? I expected a lot from myself (and from India) this semester…but my wildest expectations never could have matched up to the reality of my experiences here.
Things I know: 1) I will be returning to India sooner rather than later, and I would love to live here and work here sometime in the near future. 2) I have had the extreme good fortune of forming relationships with my peers on this trip, Lisa, and my homestay family that are meaningful and valuable, and I see these relationships expanding into my life far beyond the scope of this one semester. 3) A series of serendipitously arranged events fell into place and led me straight to Ajay — and I fell hard and fast. Some people may not believe in fate, but I certainly do. India is the setting of our beginning…but it’s only the beginning.
I obviously learned a lot about India this semester (it has been the most academically challenging semester I’ve ever had, by far), but beyond the academics, I feel like I’ve developed a relationship with India, and relationships in India, that are really what a semester like this is all about. I can’t imagine a scenario where my experience could have been improved in any way — this has truly been an almost perfect study abroad experience, and I am extremely grateful that I can say that with so much conviction.
Lately I’m asking myself “what happened to my life” with a big fat smile on my face — I couldn’t be happier or more surprised by the way my semester has worked out. India has been damn good to me.
I’ll probably blog again when I get home (in about two weeks, on the 21st of December), but this is most likely the last blog until then. I think I’m going to take a break from the internet and just enjoy my time in Udaipur with no responsibilities or schedule or assignments…a vacation is a beautiful thing.
Fulbright…
is calling my name. Had a meeting with the head of the India branch of the program yesterday…it’s looking like a pretty sweet deal.
Maybe I can figure out a way to create a research project relating to food. And religion. And then get paid. To come to India. For nine months. And cook.
(That sounds like ‘food experience’ to me — which is what I’m missing if I choose to apply to grad school for food studies)
So…yeah. We’ll see.
It’s not like it’s a competitive grant or anything. No big.
THE HOPE PROJECT »
I’m feeling inspired after our visit to the HOPE PROJECT today. This organization is really a model for what a sustainable, productive, transparent, worthwhile service organization should be. They are seriously making a difference in this community by educating children and providing them with marketable skills. The work they do with young women, women’s health, pre-natal care, and child care is particularly exciting — I would love to volunteer for this organization in the future!
Every day that he doesn’t come home, he disappears. Every time I look for him, he disappears. He disappeared this morning when I got up. And when he does return, it won’t be in your precious future—it will be today. Just as your children will be born today. And when you die, you will die today and then die every day for the lifetimes of the people who loved you. The young never understand that they aren’t given a fund of days to spend…but just one, continuous life, where everything happens in the present.”
— Mukul Kesavan
Looking Through Glass
All profound changes in consciousness, by their very nature, bring with them characteristic amnesias…because [the nation] cannot be ‘remembered,’ it must be narrated.”
— Benedict Anderson
Udaipur — “The Venice of the East.”
SO EXCITED!!!!!
The End…is near.
Two papers, one ‘Gods Journal’ and one research presentation standing between me and freedom. Approximately one week from now I will be journeying off to Udaipur for a week with Ajay.
This semester has been amazing beyond words, and I’ve gotten close to this group of people…but I am definitely ready for this week to pass. It has been a LONG semester. I’m ready for some breathing room.
A Birthday In Banaras
Friday was my 21st birthday.
I woke up at 5:40 in the morning, ate left over apple pie from Thanksgiving, chugged hot chai, and went out to the ghats to pile onto a boat and float down the Ganga at sunrise. It was gorgeous. What more could a religious studies geek want than a puja and Ganga filled birthday morning? My fellow travelers bestowed a purple tiara on me…that I proceeded to wear throughout our morning Ganga cruise. Pictures will come soon.
We got back around lunch time and I filled my afternoon with a solitary lunch accompanied by novel reading, followed by a solo trip via private car into downtown Banaras to the Air India office. Birthday present to self: officially change departure flight. After hours spent on the entire process, I am now officially staying in India until the 21st of December with Ajay!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t be happier or more excited — completing this task was the best birthday present I have ever given myself, and this trip extension is the best Christmas present my parents have ever given me! (They footed the bill.) I can’t wait to be in India on my own schedule…with Ajay. I can’t keep the smile off my face!
So, after a long afternoon in the city I came back to an extremely satisfying interview for my research project, a great class and lecture from Lisa on Partition era India, and a delicious meal followed by some extra large ‘European’ beers on the roof of our hotel. I must say, I never expected to be drinking a beer on my 21st overlooking the Ganga…and playing pin the tail on the donkey. What a combination. It was wonderful. I’m so thankful to have made such great friends here! They really made my birthday feel special. They didn’t underestimate my love of games. Or puja.
I have hit my stride and found my happy place in India.
Banaras is a fascinating, wonderful city and I definitely plan on returning in the future. It smells like incense everywhere. No matter where I turn there is some kind of interesting religious behavior going on. Cows manage to get themselves into the strangest locations, I’m always amazed by them. There is a man camped outside our hotel who has chained himself to his pet monkey…while he sleeps, the monkey grooms him. Kids fly kites outside my hotel window on the riverside. I love it here. It was a great birthday, and it’s going to be a great year.
I got a B in Hindi. And there was much disbelief. And rejoicing.
Overnight train from Agra to Banaras!
The Taj is not just a building you see on a tour. It is not just a structure. It is an emotion. It is a tear drop on the cheek of time. I want you to walk around for an hour, and I want you to feel that emotion.”
— Our crazy-emotional-perverted-sentimental-hindu nationalist tour guide
The Taj Mahal took my breath away. I definitely didn’t expect to be quite so moved or captivated by a structure made of marble that I’ve seen in pictures hundreds of times in my life. But it took me by surprise. Unless you see it in person, you will never be able to understand the level of detail that went into making this monument. It is truly gorgeous in a way no other stone structure could ever be. I wandered around aimlessly just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that a man built this — people build things like this in the face of mortality. What a way to be remembered. What a way to remember someone you love. People come and go…but Taj Mahals last forever.
